A Family Court battle with a narcissist often results in a never-ending rollercoaster of emotions for you, the abused victim. Court proceedings will take their toll on your wellbeing. Your emotional and physical health can deteriorate rapidly.
Court proceedings bring with them stress, anxiety, financial worries and sleepless nights, and that’s before you add a cruel narcissist into the picture. As the victim, you have already been traumatised by the abuse and the breakup. Now you must fight the greatest fight of your life to protect your child. You must source hidden reserves of strength you didn’t know existed to face the battle ahead.
Family Court with a narcissist can be a minefield, and there are days you may get shot down, need to drag yourself up, dust yourself off and fight on alone. Not all judges and child welfare reporters can see through narcissistic behaviour. At times you might feel like the professionals involved in your case are your enemy too.
The judge may diminish your abuse and speak to you as if you are the abusive perpetrator, and your ex is the victim. The judge may cast aside and ignore vital evidence. You might get cross-examined by a cocky barrister with one intention, to trick you into answering their calculated questions with their premeditated responses, which will support your ex’s position and damage yours. You may have to sit in a waiting area with your abuser outside the courtroom. The judge may accuse you of Parental Alienation. The child might start to self-harm, and no one will listen. Welfare reporters could side with the abuser and report accordingly.
These are moments you must be brave and strong, have a clear mind and a strategy. Not many people understand the extent of the tormenting nightmare you are in, including the judge or child welfare reporters, it really must be experienced to be believed.
Narcissistic abuse from an ex, and family court proceedings can cause the victim to;
Become irritable, short-tempered, frustrated & angry
Burst into tears at unexpected moments, overwhelmed by the pressure
Have a lack of concentration in the workplace
Avoid proper meals
Self-medicate with pills or alcohol
Be distant in daily life, focusing on the outcome alone, rather than being present, particularly with children
Feel anxious in social circles
Suffer from headaches, upset stomach, nausea, skin problems
Worry constantly and fear the narcissist’s behaviour and the implications of court orders
Feel hopeless, have suicidal thoughts
There is a good chance you are still suffering from post-separation abuse; you might not be in a position to make good decisions. Your communication and behaviour will be negatively affected. The cruel narcissist, and their lawyers, will use your emotional state against you in family court proceedings, as will an unethical welfare reporter who takes the abusers side. A narcissist wants you to look and feel exasperated, unable and weak. They want you to have knee jerk reactions and outbursts of frustration. The narcissist will pounce on the chance to claim that you are the unfit, unhealthy and unstable parent. Narcissists are manipulating, deceitful, and sadly, very convincing.
So, how do you move from the state of mind the narcissist has rendered you into, to strength of mind and clarity? How do you become the empowered warrior, ready to deflect anything thrown at you in the brutal battle ahead?
There are several things you can do, starting now.
1. Put a protective glass wall around yourself. Know that whatever happens outside that glass wall can’t hurt you. Inside the glass wall is peaceful. You can shut your eyes and take deep breaths, in through your nose, hold them in, and release them through your mouth. No words or actions of others can affect you. You are going to get through this, and you are going to find happiness again. In situations where you find yourself feeling anxious or emotional, take your mind inside the glass wall and breathe. Say to yourself ‘it is what it is and I am going to be ok’.
2. Commence the healing journey and get the toxicity out of your system. Externalise your experience by writing about it or talking about it—study self-healing, spiritual healing, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) healing and child trauma healing. Learn how to forgive yourself to move on with the rest of your life in peace. These will be essential steps in recovering from the abuse you have been subjected to over the years. Learn everything you can about narcissistic behaviour. You will discover why you ended up in the relationship you did, and you will realise it was not your fault. You will also discover the unpredictable behaviour of the narcissist is, in fact, highly predictable, and the ability to predict it is going to be a huge advantage to you in court proceedings. Being able to predict their next move will reduce your stress levels a great deal.
3. Remaining ‘no contact’ with the abuser is important, but ‘no connection’ is just as important. When we have a child with our abuser, no contact involves cutting all communications and interactions with them while keeping open a minimal line of email communication for the child’s health, education, wellbeing and contact arrangements only. You might be ‘no contact’ but still tempted to have the occasional glance at their social media. You might feel a need to know where they are and what they are up to, for your safety.
The reality is, looking at their social media means one thing only – self-inflicted pain. It keeps the connection between the two of you. It negatively affects your emotional wellbeing. Remember, the narcissist wants you to see their happy, abundant, unaffected life. They will gloat, they will parade their new supply and post countless photos with your child, to prove they are the healthy, happy, stable parent to all who witness it. You do not need to see their social media. Consider taking a social media break altogether while you go through the healing process.
4. Allow the child to have their own relationship with the narcissistic parent. Try to disconnect their relationship from your life. There is a natural age when this starts to happen, usually when the child gets a mobile phone or tablet, and when they can operate Facetime or Skype. If your child talks about the narcissistic parent, just listen and validate their feelings. Don’t try to micromanage their relationship. As soon as the child is ready to take over communicating directly with the narcissist, let them.
This helps further your ‘no contact, no connection’, and the more you distance from the relationship, the better the chance of success you have in future court cases. You give yourself space to heal and the healthier you become to provide much-needed support to your child. The narcissist will eventually move from ‘trying to control you’ to ‘trying to control the child’. I know you are scared to allow that to happen but realise that by allowing the child to see the behaviour with their own eyes, rather than through your eyes, will be beneficial. As a teen, the child will detest the control.
The child’s relationship with the abuser is going to be tumultuous as they get older. They are going to need you to be their calm, safe place. They need to discover that you are the emotionally stable parent making rational decisions, and the narcissist is the “unhinged” one in the relationship.
5. Release the ‘fear’ you have of your narcissistic ex. ‘How can I do that?’ I hear you say. ‘My ex is scary; they are still tormenting me; I am scared’. You are terrified of a large envelope coming through the letterbox from your ex’s solicitors. Narcissists hurt you with your deepest fears. Study reverse psychology; if they know you are frightened of them showing up at your door unannounced, then this is what they will do. If you told them to come, they wouldn’t. They crave power and control. When you understand how they operate, you take control. Energy healing has the power to ‘rewire your brain’. The way you think, feel and behave, your instincts, have all been wired by the abuse into fight or flight mode. You can change this over time, but it’s a journey, and often you feel you need to wait till your court action is over before you allow yourself to heal. By taking this important step during your court action, it will help you make good decisions along the way.
Eventually, the ‘fear’ turns into hate, and the hate turns into pity. You see the narcissist’s self-loathing, and understand why they manipulate and control. This doesn’t make it acceptable, but it allows you to have the upper hand. When you let go of the fear, the final weight lifts off your shoulders; you are ready to soar once again.
6. Try to shift your mental state from victim to empowered warrior when you are ready. You have the ability to self-reflect. You can learn, heal, rise and go on to do amazing things. The narcissist’s inability to self-reflect will be their downfall in the end. Take full advantage of your coachability. It’s going to be a journey; you will give yourself the best chance of success going forward, not just in court but in life.
7. Make your needs the priority along with your child’s needs and, if you have commenced a new relationship, then your close family unit’s needs. You have spent years putting the needs of others before the needs of yourself. Say ‘no’ to things you don’t want to do, and don’t feel the need to justify your reasons. Politely decline. Listen to, and be fully present with your closest loved ones. Being ‘mindful’ and being ‘present’ with the important people in your life must take precedence over your narcissistic ex’s actions and behaviour. When the narcissistic ex is eventually out of your life and your mind for good, you do not want it to be at the expense of the relationships you truly value. Heal your mind to mitigate the damage caused by the narcissist and to protect you from potential harm by the family court system.
8. Be kind to yourself. There will be days when you feel ‘healed and empowered’ then days when you fall right back into the place of ‘victim’. You need to at times. You are on this path for a reason. There is an end to the torment you are currently facing. You can’t change the behaviour of your narcissistic ex or the consequences of family court orders, but you can change the way you react to them and the effect they have on your wellbeing. When you make these positive changes, your circumstances will also change.
When you heal and empower yourself, the narcissist unravels. It makes the situation clearer, not only to yourself but to those involved in your court case. You take the advantage in the courtroom. You will no longer face a challenging situation with your narcissistic ex from a place of fear. You will react to the situation calmly and confidently. You will breathe and tell yourself;
‘You’ve got this!’