If you have separated from a cruel narcissist, then you already know that co-parenting is difficult at the best of times. The sadistic narcissist doesn't co-parent, they counter-parent. Every action they do comes from a place of coercion, anger, suspicion and vengefulness, with the intent to cause you distress. They are cunning, and they know how to play the Family Court system.
During times of self-isolation, the narcissist is at an advantage. If you are the resident parent, they already try to control you, the safe, healthy parent, through covert threats and contact orders. Now, they know you are home with the child, and the cruel narcissist is going to use this knowledge to add to the stress and pressure you are already feeling. They are going to torment you. They will do this with no consideration for the needs, wants or safety of the child. Their behaviour is going to make them feel powerful. You are their narcissistic supply.
If you are following the advice of the government, and the information from the judiciary, you will have concerns that the narcissist is somehow going to twist and turn your situation at the next court hearing, and claim that you have alienated the child from them.
You will receive demands from the narcissist or their solicitors. They will seek contact or information on the child's health and education. If the child has the slightest cough or signs of a common cold, the narcissist will insist you do something about it. They will overreact to the smallest issue and turn it into another opportunity to blame you.
Their bullying tactics will worry, intimidate and distress you. The narcissist is on their best behaviour for the court and child welfare reporters; the narcissist's messages don't 'appear' to be antagonistic, but you see through the facade.
The cruel, narcissistic parent is already preparing their evidence to portray themselves as the wronged victim.
They intend to come across as a caring, concerned parent who, during this crisis, suffered a significant loss on parenting time and parenting knowledge, particularly regarding health and education. They are ready to tell anyone who will listen; you intentionally denied and obstructed contact, you withheld information, and you used the COVID-19 pandemic as an excuse. They are ready to prove in court that there was no justifiable reason for contact to be prevented or postponed, and no legitimate reason for information on the child's health and education to be withheld. They are masters at deception, and they are ready to win this battle.
Prepare for this day; it's coming. However, do not be alarmed; please remain calm. What you haven't realised is that you hold the advantage now. I have told you what I predict the narcissistic parent will do at the next Family Court hearing. When you know how their mind works, you can predict their behaviour, and you hold the power. With this information, you can stay one step ahead. You can outsmart the cruel narcissist. I know you feel you don't have the strength or the knowhow for mind games. When you are striving to protect your child from the pitfalls of the Family Court system, you have no other option. You must play the game, at least until the law changes and reforms to the Justice System take place.
When you realise the techniques are available to do this, and you only need to learn how, you will be ready to deflect any situation the cruel narcissist throws at you. You will not get that stomach-churning sensation or tightening of the chest every time the narcissist contacts you about the child. You will remain calm and focused on showing the judge who the real victim is in the situation. You can leave the narcissist to expose their unreasonable behaviour, and commence the process of self-destruction.
So, what must you do in this situation?
You must create evidence to prove that during this crisis, you are the kind, considerate parent, who promotes contact and abides by the rules of parental rights and responsibilities, whatever is going on in the world. You want contact to be healthy and safe, and information on the child’s health and education to be shared suitably and in a reasonable timeframe. If you have valid concerns that contact will not be healthy or safe, and you feel it's necessary to take a unilateral decision (because your ex won't reason or compromise), then you will need to prove this at a future date. You will need to show the judge that your actions were reasonable, sensible and considerate. You must ensure the evidence you create gets communicated in the correct manner and in a way which will impress the judge.
You might consider sending an email to the narcissist as follows;
Dear Narcissist
This self-isolation is a difficult time for us all and I know you will be worried about our daughter and her health during this crisis. I know you will be concerned about our daughter coming into contact with the virus. I want to assure you that I am following the guidelines given by the government, and we are taking all the necessary precautions. Maybe you would like to Skype or Facetime her later? She has done XXXX today and is now taking a nap, but she will be awake in an hour or two if you would like to speak to her.
Dear Narcissist
I understand one of your family members is now suffering from symptoms of the virus. Therefore, I'm sure you will agree, overnight contact this weekend will be unsafe. I want to find an amicable solution and have a suggestion for you. Our son could remain here, and I will ensure he is available the entire day on Skype/Facetime so that contact can take place remotely. I trust you will find this to be reasonable, and I hope direct contact can resume as soon as it is safe to do so. Our son is well and not showing any symptoms of the virus. Please feel free to call him later today if you wish?
Dear Narcissist
During my contact time, I am homeschooling our daughter, as per the guidelines given by her teacher. I will provide you with an outline of the information I have taught her twice a week. I will update you on which books she reads and what page she reached in the textbook so that you can take over where we left off, during your parenting time. Please feel free to call the child anytime if you would like to discuss her education. I'm sure she will be happy to tell you what she learned with me. Any suggestions or input you can give on methods of homeschooling would be most welcome. We must manage this difficult time together, and do so in such a manner that these unusual circumstances don't negatively affect our daughter. It should be a positive learning experience for her.
Dear Narcissist
I understand you are concerned about the two coughs our son did on Skype/Facetime the other day. I know you are worried he may have contracted the coronavirus and you want me to get medical attention immediately. Please understand that our son is not coughing continuously, and generally speaking, he is healthy, well, and not showing any symptoms of COVID 19. I have taken his temperature, and there is no fever present. I am following the government guidelines strictly, and if he shows mild symptoms, I will follow the NHS online advice, as instructed, so as not to overwhelm our local hospitals. Please know that if I have any concerns about our son's health, during my parenting time, I will contact you immediately and keep you updated accordingly.
Once you have sent an email, proving that you are acting reasonably, you do not need to respond to antagonistic replies from the narcissist. You know they will not agree to what you offered. There is no need for you to defend yourself further. The mission you had is accomplished. You have done the right thing and you can now revert to minimal contact, only when necessary, regarding future direct/indirect contact dates and regarding the child's health, education and wellbeing.
Don't obstruct the narcissist’s direct or indirect contact unnecessarily and do keep the narcissist updated on the child's progress during your parenting time. Don't be scared of allowing the child the emotional permission to have a relationship with the narcissist. Not doing so will be considered alienating behaviour. If the child wants to Skype or Facetime the narcissist, let them. If the narcissist calls and the child refuses to speak to them, encourage the child to talk to them and have a witness. You can then confidently say, at a future court hearing, that you promoted contact and have substantial evidence to defend the abusive narcissist's allegations of Parental Alienation in court.
I know you worry about how the narcissist's behaviour will affect your child, and you are only trying to protect them. When you learn how the narcissist's mind works, then you will realise that what you offer is often rejected over time. It is beneficial for the child to see narcissistic behaviour with their own eyes. The child will then question that behaviour as they grow older and might need to provide evidence of it in the future.
As you start to build confidence in your ability to 'play the game' the stress and anxiety will reduce. You will be less fearful of the narcissist's actions, and you will slowly start to expose their behaviour, with evidence to back you up. When the narcissist realises you are 'onto them', they will be manoeuvred off guard; they will start to slip up. Each time they do, you reveal your kind, considerate behaviour and the narcissist reveals their deceitful, controlling behaviour. You will move one step closer to a successful outcome in the Family Court.