Anyone who tries to co-parent with a narcissistic, abusive ex knows that it is challenging to say the least; it consumes your life. There are steps you can take to make this journey less stressful. These steps will test your strength of character, but you are in this for the long run, and you can't escape it. Once you discover the long-term plan, you realise that while the narcissist feels like they are winning every time they break the rules, they are, in fact, self-destructing.
Consider these three problems, the short-term solutions and the long term result in your favour.
Problem: The narcissist disrupts contact
The narcissist is always going to disrupt contact and will rarely get punished for it in the Family Court. Disrupting contact is one of the few opportunities for the narcissist to exert some power and control. They want you to get worried about the child, angry at them for messing up your plans and frustrated at their ability to play the victim in court successfully.
Solution: Accept that the narcissist will disrupt contact. Do not give them the emotions they seek. Become the master of 'not reacting' or 'being indifferent'. Realise that begging or demanding they return the child on time is giving the narcissist what they want and will not change their behaviour.
Don't make plans around the times when the narcissist is due to pick up or return your child, plan holidays carefully, giving yourself a bit of flexibility. Don't feel like you are 'letting them off' with their behaviour. Foreseeing disruptions and planning for them in advance will help lower your stress levels.
Write an email to the narcissist each time they disrupt contact; detail how that experience affects the child's health and wellbeing and ask them to kindly reconsider their behaviour, for the sake of happy and healthy contact going forward.
Your plan is underway.
Problem: The narcissist doesn't let you communicate with your child during their parenting time
Withholding and obstructing communications is another opportunity for the narcissist to exert control, this time over the child. The narcissist demands the child's attention and can't stand it when their attention drifts, especially towards you. The abusive narcissist loves having another opportunity to torment you.
Solution: Accept that during the narcissist’s parenting time, you may never speak to your child, and if you do get to speak to them, then see it as a bonus. What the narcissist doesn't realise is by restricting the child's communications, they are driving the sword into their own back. The child will never forget these moments. Make sure you allow the child unlimited indirect communications with the narcissist. I know it is scary to let go of control of their relationship, but it's essential to do so.
The long-term plan is making good progress.
Problem: The narcissist's behaviour scares and upsets the child
There will be many occasions during your co-parenting nightmare where the child comes home from contact with the narcissist and tells you of a bad experience and how it upset them.
The narcissist drives extremely fast with the child in the car
The narcissist refuses to take the child to activities and events the child wants to do
The narcissist scolds or punishes the child inappropriately
These situations are extremely challenging for you, and it can be difficult to know what to do. You already know if you complain about these incidents in the Family Court then very little will happen, and you could waste a lot of time, effort and money. The stress the court process inflicts on you and the child is sometimes not worth the fight.
Solution: When your child recounts these upsetting stories after contact, listen to your child and ask them how these experiences made them feel. Keep a diary. For example, If the child tells you that they were embarrassed when the narcissist was rude to a waiter then don't say;
'I can't believe your father/mother did that to you; they are a bully'.
Comfort the child by saying this instead;
'That must have made the waiter feel extremely uncomfortable; I can understand that this would embarrass you. It's unkind to make people feel uncomfortable in public'.
Explain the consequences of the narcissist's behaviour through feelings and emotions. Gather as many of these experiences as you can over the years.
Long-term plan
When the older child starts to resist contact with the narcissistic parent, you will find yourself back in the Family Court. This could happen when the child enters adolescence or as a young teen when they want to have some control over matters affecting their lives.
You will claim the narcissist's behaviour is the cause for the child's resistance of contact. The narcissist will never accept it is their behaviour at fault. The narcissist will say it is you causing the problem. They will counterclaim Parental Alienation; the abuser's go-to defence. Abusers are often successful using this defence (See: The Narcissist and the Parental Alienation Counterclaim).
When this day comes, you must prove that your behaviour has been impeccable towards the narcissist and that it is the child's wishes to reduce contact, not your wishes. To prove this, you must focus on how the narcissist's behaviour affected the child. You are going to do this by bringing out your long list of 'Negative experiences the child has had with the narcissistic parent' and 'The effects of those experiences on the child's health and wellbeing, according to their development stage'.
The narcissist kept the child for an additional week against the child’s wishes. This made the child upset, confused and angry. The child felt controlled.
The child was not allowed to communicate with you during the narcissist's parenting time. The child was isolated from you. The child wanted to keep in contact and the restrictions confused and upset them. It made the child feel anxious and worried. The child felt their relationship with the narcissist lacked boundaries.
The child had many experiences of the narcissist driving at excessive speed and witnessed road rage. The child felt fear during every car journey. When the child asked the narcissist to slow down, they ignored the child. The child felt that the narcissist did not care about their feelings and wishes. The child felt unsafe.
The judge shall confirm these are the child’s views, directly or via a welfare reporter, and they will check that you haven’t coached the child. When the judge has to decide whether it is the abuser's behaviour or your behaviour which is causing the child to resist contact, then the situation shall be clear.
You won't feel the same levels of stress when confronted with the narcissist's behaviour when you realise that it is producing the long-term outcome you seek; the child to have the court’s permission to go 'no contact' with the narcissist in their life if they so wish. You can separate the child's relationship with the narcissistic parent from your relationship with your child, and you can be there to help the child cope with the challenging behaviour, without badmouthing your ex.
The Family Courts must move towards a system in which children don't get forced into an abusive relationship with one parent. Change must take place to detect a parent's narcissistic and abusive behaviour at an earlier stage in the court process. Children at present are being traumatised by contact with abusers and then face the challenge of healing from that trauma in later years. Preventing the trauma to the child in the first place should be prioritised over ‘contact at all costs’.