In recent years, parental alienation has become the 'go-to' defence for abusers. When parental alienation gets counterclaimed to abuse allegations, the judge's focus moves swiftly to your behaviour. The abuser and their team might not use the words parental alienation, but they will indicate that it’s you that has caused a child to resist contact, not the behaviour of your ex. Parental alienation counter-allegations gives the appearance of mutual conflict thus diminish and conceal the real abuse. Shockingly, when used to deny sexual abuse it can increase the abusers chance to get custody. A fathers right to a parenting role in their child’s life is often prioritised over risk from harm.
So what can you do if your vengeful ex uses this frightening tactic?
TO PREVENT COUNTERCLAIMS OF PARENTAL ALIENATION
Gather high-quality evidence of a pattern of controlling and harmful behaviour, preferably a series of incidents over recent years. You aim to have evidence of negative experiences the child has had with your ex, over time and evidence of how this pattern of behaviour has resulted in the child resisting contact. Evidence which shows how each experience harmed the child's health, education and wellbeing, emotionally or physically, and in line with the child's development stage.
Follow court orders. The family courts are a patriarchal system - fathers get away with breaching court orders, mothers don't and contempt of court is a real and present danger.
Promote, facilitate and encourage contact. It is the safe parent's worst nightmare, but if you don't facilitate contact then it is likely to be used as evidence against you. Sound encouraging of contact in all communications; you just want it to be healthy and safe.
Refrain from taking Unilateral Decisions. You may find yourself in a situation where you feel you must make a Unilateral Decision. If this happens, then prepare to explain your actions to the judge, and be ready to prove why your steps were reasonable and sensible, and in the best interests of the child. If you absolutely must breach an order for contact, consider alternative methods of contact and seek legal advice first. Keep in mind abusers are highly skilled at playing the victim and talking their way out of situations so have good evidence to back up your position.
Understand 'Parental Rights & Responsibilities' (PR&R). During your parenting time, you must keep your ex updated on the child's health, education and wellbeing if they have PR&R. (School reports, dental work, trips to the emergency room etc.). Send regular emails and your evidence pile grows.
Refrain from badmouthing your ex. Don't badmouth your ex to the child, or your friends or relatives in front of your child. Do not allow your relatives or friends to badmouth your ex in front of your child either. Don't describe your ex as a child abuser, a narcissist, a paedo or as having mental health problems, particularly if you don't have a formal diagnosis.
Refrain from coaching your child. A judge may order a welfare reporter to seek the views of the child or order the child into a therapeutic process. The child will be encouraged to open and talk about their experiences with you, your ex, friends and relatives. You must be extra cautious not to influence your child's views before meeting professionals involved in your case. Judges actively seek evidence of a parent coaching the child. It will come back to haunt you, possibly even years later. You want the child to naturally speak about their experiences.
If you refrain from badmouthing your ex or coaching the child, you will never panic about what the child may reveal to the judge. It will help you stay calm.
Avoid projecting your fears of the abuser onto the child. It is only natural for a victim to worry that their ex will hurt their child in the same manner they hurt them, but this is not always the case. They may hurt the child emotionally, but not physically for example.
Avoid discussing the court case with your child where possible. It may be considered as influencing the child if they know all the details, and it can put unnecessary pressure on the child.
Focus on how your ex’s behaviour affects the child, not you. It's hurtful to feel your abuse is invalidated but try to keep in mind the judge's paramount consideration, by law, is the child's welfare.
Please don't panic and think;
'I've not done any of the things the judge expects of me!'.
Every parent who has separated from an abuser will at times have name-called, been angry towards them or may even have obstructed contact out of fear. That is entirely understandable. Try to prove your behaviour has been impeccable towards your abusive ex recently, then this will highlight and amplify their recent abusive behaviour.
Once your ex accuses you of PA there is a good chance the judge is going to instruct an expert and that expert may be a parental alienation ‘expert’ or one who supports the concept of PA. If you are a victim of domestic abuse then consider rejecting any expert who does not appear to be suitable in your circumstances.
TO DENY FALSE ACCUSATIONS OF PARENTAL ALIENATION
The abuser's words will not match their actions, and your behaviour will not match their claims. If you intend to deny a counterclaim of parental alienation in the context of a domestic abuse case, then I urge you to read the relevant academic research articles here. In particular, please see the study by Professor Joan Meier and note that this research has been challenged and rebutted.
I strongly advise you to get legal advice from a lawyer who understands coercive control and domestic abuse if you can.
It is important to show in your written answers, statements or spoken evidence in court, and in your productions that you dispute the science behind Parental Alienation Syndrome - the syndrome does not exist. Pseudoscience is inadmissible in the family courts in several countries including, most recently, England and Wales. PA lawyers and therapists use the terms PAS and PA interchangeably. PAS was created by a disgraced and disreputable psychiatrist/court reporter purely to deny a parent’s abuse of their child. (Expert witnesses cannot rely on bad science).
This is the history of PA and how it developed in case law in the UK.
If you have had an unfavourable court report, or have been falsely accused of parental alienation, then please see the template here on how to dispute the report and deny the allegations. If you are unsuccessful you may consider an appeal.
Judges regrettably will not always see a victim standing before them. Domestic abuse victims are often approached with scepticism in the family courts and disbelieved or thought to be vengeful or hostile. You may subconsciously appear extremely defensive when reporting abuse. Your aim is to sound calm, reasonable, sympathetic and child focussed. Consider offering positive, holistic, trauma-informed approaches and solutions to the court, from true experts. Judges like solutions to be presented to them.
Please understand that if you are successful and get the judge on-side, it doesn't necessarily mean all forms of contact stop; the focus may move to repair the relationship between your ex and the child, for contact to continue. It can be a long and expensive process. Contact will only cease as a last resort if proved the child would not benefit from having the abusive parent in their life, and this would need to come from an expert, not a parent.
The court should not label past abuse as historical, they should consider how controlling behaviour will affect the child going forward in the absence of any evidence of change in patterns of behaviour.
Fathers have the right to contact, but children have the right to a voice in the process and to protection from mental and physical violence. See the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child for their human rights.
You are now armed to confidently swivel the spotlight from 'Parental Alienation' back to your evidence. You can manoeuvre the judges focus to the real reason for the child's resistance to contact, and persuade the judge that a kinder, fairer and safer solution is available to the court than the one proposed by your ex and their team.