When a couple split up, they go on to co-parent any children of the relationship, by mutual agreement, or by order of the Family Court. The situation can be unpleasant, but most couples manage it to the best of their ability, for the sake of the children.
When you separate from a cruel narcissist, ‘co-parenting’ sounds like a fairy-tale; a dream scenario, one that can sadly, never become a reality.
Co-parenting requires putting your relationship difficulties to one side and working amicably together. Co-parents may meet up regularly to discuss the parenting of their children. They may decide to instil mutually agreed values for the sake of raising a happy and prosperous child. For example, co-parents may decide to raise a conscious child, not driven by power and money, but driven by inner happiness and the need to do good in the world. Co-parenting involves determining parenting styles together; for example, co-parents may decide that neither of them will punish the child by confiscating items; they will instead, reward the child for good behaviour.
No parenting is easy, but if both parents, whether together or separated, are on the same page, then it can be a smoother journey.
The reality you face with a cruel, narcissistic ex, is counter-parenting. The situation is very far from fairy-tale. It’s a living hell — counter-parenting results in years of torment and torture for both the victim and the child. What’s worse, this ‘living hell’ is forced upon the empath parent by the family court, and often cannot be escaped until the child becomes an adult. Even then, the torturous journey can continue.
We know it is impossible to find common goals with our narcissistic ex. Narcissists don’t communicate by way of discussion, consultation, understanding or compromise. Cruel narcissists communicate with their ex by way of demands, manipulation, threats or coercion.
If the narcissistic parent has the slightest knowledge of the parenting goals the empath parent strives for, they will do all in their power to obliterate these goals. The narcissistic parent has one parenting goal alone, and that is for the child to provide the narcissist with years of adoration, attention and ego-boosting. They will go out of their way to hurt the empath parent, by actively seeking to instil opposing values in the child.
When parenting, a cruel, narcissistic ex actively seeks to undermine the empaths parenting techniques and forces the empath parent to ‘undo’ the harm caused by the behaviour of the narcissistic parent. The child gets used as a pawn and a weapon in the narcissist’s game in which they must ‘win’ at all costs.
When parenting becomes about ‘winning’ it ceases being co-parenting. It’s no longer parenting to provide a pleasant childhood; it is no longer responsible parenting.
When you were in the relationship with the narcissist, they reeled you in and hooked you. Each time you tried to escape the hook; you were ‘love bombed’ back into the abusive cycle. As a parent, the narcissist will use the same tactics to control the child and reinstate the narcissistic supply, whenever the child has been discarded or draws away.
Consider this scenario;
The newly single empath parent is struggling financially. They do their best to provide for the child and endeavour to make birthdays and Christmas’s special occasions. They strive to teach their child about materialism and compassion for others. They want to teach their child spiritual values. The empath parent doesn’t spoil their child throughout the year. The empath parent would provide unconditional love for the child through caring, nurturing, listening, understanding, and affection.
The narcissistic parent, during their parenting time, expresses their ‘love’ for the child by being overly generous. They shower the child in gifts such as luxury items, holidays, experiences, and cash. There are conditions attached to their expressions of ‘love’, and it comes at a high price. The child soon learns they must ‘put on a show’ of eternal gratitude for each grand gesture. The narcissist demands it.
What is the mindset of a counter-parenting, cruel, narcissistic ex?
· I will be in control; I will decide what values the child grows up with
· I will ‘win’ and maintain the child’s affections
· I will make sure the child loves my family only
· I don’t care about the needs of the child; I must get adored, I am entitled to it
· I don’t care about court orders; I will do what I want, including deceiving, lying and manipulating
· I want the child to be like me, to validate my sense of self
· I will ensure the child shows disrespect, disloyalty and disgust towards the empath parent
· I will reward the child for rejecting the empath parent
· I am going to punish the empath parent and make them suffer until the end
The narcissist's relationship with the child is an extremely unhealthy one in comparison to the empaths relationship with the child.
The narcissist psychologically abuses the child during parenting time and destroys their self-esteem in the process. The narcissist does not listen to or acknowledge the child's wishes or needs. As the child enters adolescence, the narcissist does not allow the child to develop their own sense of self. The narcissistic parent continues to treat the child as a child, while the empath parent adapts their parenting style according to the child's age and level of maturity. A narcissistic parent will teach the child as they grow up that how they ‘look’ is more important than how they ‘feel’. An empath parent will do the opposite.
The narcissist, during their parenting time, threatens the child subtly and scares them into obedience and loyalty. They will be extremely controlling and possibly neglectful. The narcissist may restrict the child's mobile phone usage, may intimidate the child and make them feel uncomfortable to talk about the empath parent or their family. The narcissist may isolate the child from their friends and the empaths family and insist that the child spends time with people of the narcissists choosing. The narcissist may rage at times and frighten the child. The narcissist will place a huge amount of guilt on the child’s shoulders, for failing to meet their needs. The narcissist may temporarily discard the child. The child is left feeling confused, upset and angry. The child may draw closer to the empath parent.
Behind the scenes, the narcissist will badmouth the empath parent and make flippant comments to the child such as;
‘They spend all their money on clothes and wine, that’s why they don’t have money to spend on you’.
Where does this leave the empath parent? The empath parent not only has to repair the damage caused by the narcissistic parent but must work twice as hard to instil the values of selflessness, humanitarianism and compassion in the child, or whatever values are important to them. The empath parent must, at the same time, ward off the narcissist's attempts to destroy the values they teach the child. Solving the issue, directly with the narcissist, is not an option open to the empath. If the empath parent dares to bring up the circumstances in a Family Court, they are seen to be vindictive; they get falsely and convincingly accused of parental alienation.
The empath parent and the empaths family are sentenced to endure the torturous and tormenting journey and watch the child’s health and emotional wellbeing deteriorate. The empath may be forced into helplessly watching further counter-parenting behaviour unfold before their eyes, such as their child becoming alienated against them by the cruel, narcissistic parent.
The narcissist bulldozes and steamrolls along the parenting path, knocking over anyone standing in their way, and giving the child a bumpy, upsetting and sometimes terrifying ride, till the day comes when a child decides to get off the ride and use their own feet for the remainder of their journey. This time could come as a teenager, as a young adult, or as an adult, years later, when they awaken to the abuse, they have suffered.
The empath parents sentence is over when the child is set free from the Family Court system, and they can finally cut off all contact with the narcissistic parent. The sentence is over, except when the alienation of the child by the narcissist has been successful. In this case, the empath is left completely broken.
Where does this leave the child? The child is now an adult and may be suffering from anxiety, depression or trauma. The child may have chosen to go ‘no contact’ with the narcissist and entered into a healing process. The child may have a good chance of a happy and healthy life. The child's self-esteem may now be destroyed, they may have fully submitted to the narcissist, or they may, more worryingly, grow up to become narcissists themselves.
Whatever the outcome, one thing is for certain, they carry with them many childhood wounds, inflicted by the counter parenting of the cruel, narcissistic ex.