It feels like there is no end in sight for parents trapped in unsafe family court-ordered contact arrangements. You are living in a constant state of stress; you are worried, scared and desperate to know how and when it will come to a close so that you can heal and rebuild your lives.
The uncertainty, fear and sense of injustice you feel during the court process takes its toll on even the strongest of individuals. It can, like the abusive relationship, steal your sense of self; life becomes a whirlwind of incidents and challenges, swings between heartbreak and defeat to joy and success. Preparing for and dealing with ‘court’ becomes a part of everyday life. Happier moments get overshadowed, for the door is generally left open for abusers in the family court system, a dark cloud looms. You routinely dream of the day you get released from the court-ordered sentence.
When that day arrives, there can be an overwhelming sense of relief but not necessarily exhilaration. You are now legally free from the power and control an abusive parent holds and free from the abusive state actors in the court process, but some children choose to have a relationship with the parent who harms them. The worry remains.
The court process takes time to recover from and you both must adjust to the new circumstances. Your bodies have been programmed with coping strategies and defence mechanisms that have powered you through the storm. For you, de-programming yourself - finding your true self once ‘court is over’ can be just as challenging as finding your true self in the months and years after leaving the abusive relationship. You are now challenged with re-wiring your brain so you can move forward.
Your child has not been allowed to be a free-thinker; they have spent years behaving at the court-ordered behest of a demanding parent. You may watch the vulnerable young adult struggle as they try to understand and manage that same controlling behaviour and the pressure and uncertainty without the court order in place. They may get bombarded with demands which they feel obliged to comply with and still not have the strength and capability to protect their boundaries, although they might test it at times. They may continue to have harmful experiences with their abusive parent but still get drawn back into the abusive cycle, just as you once were. You have learned that to protect your relationship with your child, you must allow them to see the abusive behaviour for themselves, so you become their anchor – their safe place where they can get advice as and when they seek it. Still, your protective instincts will always kick in. Your child hurts as they learn the relationship with the controlling parent is not mutually respectful, lacks understanding, reason or compromise. It saddens you to see your child awaken to the reality that their needs are low on the list of the abusive parent’s priorities.
There are, of course, many positives to expect in life after family court;
The weight lifts almost instantly - you can reset, refocus and choose your new path
You enter this chapter of your life a master of many trades with an excellent toolkit; you have gained knowledge and skills that allow you to overcome challenges, approach difficult situations with confidence, and embrace calmness and glide.
You have the freedom to explain to your child what a healthy relationship looks like without the fear of being accused of influencing them; you are free from the threat of ‘court’ and the abuse of individuals in the court system.
You and your child will now have the protection of the police, should you need it. You are one step ahead when it comes to criminal behaviour, the evidence required to prove it and the approach to take when reporting it.
You have time to focus on yourself and on rebuilding relationships that may have suffered.
You have the freedom to pursue claims against those in the system who have breached their code of conduct and harmed you and your child, but you also have the insight to decide when letting go is more important than the ‘fight’. You realise that choosing to preserve your energy, protect your mental health and do more of the things you love in life can be the catalyst for the injustice you have experienced to resolve itself; you trust in karma and see it in action.
There is light at the end of the long and dark tunnel.
Michelle Obama once said,
“When they go low, we go high”.
It’s easy for abusers to bully and scare the vulnerable; it’s easy to choose to go low in life. It takes enormous strength, wisdom, and courage to choose to go high, refrain from reacting, and overcome anger, betrayal, and injustice. Only one of those choices leads to positive solutions, a calm, fulfilling, ever-evolving and enriched life. Take comfort in knowing that the difficult choices you are making now create the foundations for the happy future you crave, a future free from abuse of any form, by anyone, free from fear and a life with purpose and joy.
In the words of the Dalai Lama,
“It is anger that is a sign of weakness, whereas patience is a sign of strength”.
Don’t underestimate how regaining control of your thoughts, feelings, emotions and behaviour will benefit your case. Realise you are smarter and more resilient and coachable than those who try to harm you. You have self-awareness and morals. You can learn how mindfulness techniques help you to find happiness in the present moment, change the energy you emit, and draw good outcomes towards you. You don’t need to wait till family court is over before putting this into practice, it’s something you can start today. Letting the small things go and focussing on the bigger picture can help keep you on track and reach the other side safely. You might reach it dishevelled, run-down, and a little lost as you break free emotionally from the system abuse and post-separation abuse. However, you can power up again as you have done many times before, and make the following years of your life memorable for all the right reasons. You can live them with vigour and purpose, which no one will ever be able to take from you.
You can do this, my friend.
Rachel x