Real alienation (psychological abuse)

To be alienated from your child brings the most unimaginable pain. A highly narcissistic individual will put their needs to hurt their ex before the parenting needs of their child. A parent who attempts to alienate a child has a worrying lack of empathy which allows them to behave in an agonisingly cruel manner.

The narcissistic parent will try to ‘win’ the child in court. If they are unsuccessful in gaining a residence order, they will use child contact time to manipulate the child, using fear and shame to damage the child's bond with the loving parent. They will actively encourage the child to hurt or behave offensively towards the healthy parent and their family members, or any new partner. The narcissistic parent will badmouth their ex, isolate the child, control the child's emotions, and be overly kind and reward the child for favouring them over the healthy parent.

Alienating the child from the healthy parent is simply a means for the post-separation domestic abuse to continue once the parents have separated. Hurting the healthy parent at their core, and seeing their fear of losing their child's love makes the narcissist feel very powerful. The psychological manipulation is emotional torture for the child. The narcissist's behaviour is hidden from the outside world. The terrified child learns to cope with the unpredictable cruelty they face. The alienation attempts are not always successful. The emotional pressure the narcissistic parent puts on the child can cause the child to rebel against the control as a teenager. Sadly, however, some children become narcissistic themselves.

The narcissist uses DARVO, Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Offender, to convince family courts that the healthy parent is the abusive or the unwell one. They deny their abuse and say,

"I’m not the abuser, it's them, its parental alienation!"

When the narcissistic parent is successful in gaining possession of the child, alienation attempts will go into full throttle. In a cruel final twist of the knife, they will heartlessly take the win as permission to turn the child against the healthy, loving parent with whom the child felt safe. The narcissistic parent will make sure everyone in the community knows just how evil, crazy and abusive the healthy parent is. Hurting the relationship between the child and healthy parent is not enough; they must humiliate and shame their victim publicly too.

The true victims of alienation are victims of coercively controlling behaviour; they are victims of psychological abuse (emotional abuse). The mother or father is a victim of domestic abuse (while in the relationship) and domestic abuse by proxy when the relationship ends (the child is used as a pawn to hurt the mother or father).

Bogus alienation (Parental Alienation / PA)

The alienation I have described must not be confused with the bogus 'Parental Alienation' (PA) that is marketed by PA court 'experts', PA lawyers and PA lobbying groups on websites and social media. (Members of the Association of Family & Conciliation Courts, the AFCC)

Psychological abuse is already a crime and recognised in law in the UK and other countries. (Domestic Abuse Scotland Act 2019). You can already prove in court that the child is a victim of emotional abuse, without the need for the separate label 'Parental Alienation'.

 Which begs the question – why would PA lawyers, PA experts and PA lobbying groups go to so much effort to give the impression that Parental Alienation is a separate 'thing' which needs its own label?  What is it's true purpose?

The true purpose of PA was exposed in recently published academic research in the USA and the UK. The research shows that PA is not an equal counterpart to domestic abuse. The label 'Parental Alienation' allows it to be pitted against domestic abuse in a courtroom. It gets used by extremely dangerous fathers to deny domestic abuse and win parenting time. (I say fathers because it has been proven it is only fathers that this formula works for in the family court).

Only a controlling narcissist would estrange themselves from the child and then demand the resisting child have contact with them. The PA lawyers and experts are ready and waiting to help them ‘blame it on the mother’ through the family courts. Parental Alienation Syndrome was created by a sick and disreputable psychiatrist, Richard Gardner, who worked as an expert witness for child molesting fathers. He had extremely distasteful views about paedophilia and women. - Red flag anyone?!

Why are you being deceived?

Most separated parents can sort out child arrangements before it reaches a court hearing. Cases that end up in the family courts often contain allegations of domestic abuse, and it has been proven that false allegations of domestic abuse are rare in the UK. Parental alienation is big business nowadays. When it is pitted against domestic abuse in the courtroom, the conflict is never-ending. Both parents end up shelling out thousands of pounds in fees for various solicitors, barristers, therapists, psychologists, mediators, etc. Parents can be in court from shortly after their child is born until their child is set free from the system (age sixteen in Scotland).

DA v PA = conflict = £££

Those who support ‘Parental Alienation’ online tend to fall into two categories.

1. Real alienated victims (mothers or fathers or their parents) who resonate with everything the PA proponents say because what they say is often what a narcissistic, coercively controlling parent does. If you are in this group, you are getting hoodwinked. Alienated mothers may find this blog post helpful.

2. Abusive fathers (or their parents), who understand precisely the harm the label PA does in a courtroom.

The con of the century

Parental alienation, as it is marketed today, is the biggest con of the century. The use of it in a courtroom against a victim of domestic abuse is one of the most unimaginably cruel things you can do to a healthy, safe parent, and a child. As a weapon in the courtroom, PA is now being used to deny not just sexually abusive behaviour but all types of abusive behaviour. The real alienated parents are sadly being used as pawns to promote the 'cause' which keeps the PA industry growing.

PA is a dangerous concept; it has created a false stereotype in society. A parent who badmouths their ex is now labelled an alienating parent. The definition of an alienating parent changes regularly; the proponents embellish it as they go along. Society is now led to believe that any parent who badmouths their ex is a toxic, poisonous, pathological, child-abuser. They are not. They just badmouth their ex.

You must see beneath the guise of parental alienation. The tragic side effect of needlessly pitting PA against DA in a courtroom is that abused mothers and children are traumatised, and children are getting harmed. The presumption of contact has created a pro-contact culture in courtrooms at the expense of the safety of children. Family courts must understand that alienation can be the resulting effect of coercively controlling behaviour, it is not a syndrome. Rejected parents have a remedy under current legislation. The label PA, as it’s own separate form of abuse is not required, and is something for which no-one or no country with a conscience, should be advocating.