In Intractable contact disputes (high conflict), the judge has a difficult decision to make, and one in which they shall seek expert advice to assist them. The Family Court and professionals involved can benefit from a deeper understanding of the changing behaviours in our society and how to recognise them in difficult cases; what appears to be an intractable contact dispute may in fact be a domestic abuse (risk) case; a good understanding of coercive control is required to make a contact decision which keeps the child safe from harm.

ABUSERS DON’T ‘CHANGE’ WITHOUT EXTENSIVE INTERVENTION

An abuser does not simply ‘change their behaviour’. An abuser has grown up with deep-rooted beliefs and values and has developed a strong sense of entitlement. An abuser chooses to abuse. Deep-rooted beliefs and values do not change overnight.

If you have evidence before you that a parent does not do the following, then they are a potential physical or psychological risk to the child’s safety;

• Accept responsibility for the child’s treatment and need to change own behaviour

• Acknowledge longstanding mental health, substance misuse and/or relationship difficulties

• Demonstrate remorse

• Place needs of the child ahead of their own

• Have capacity for change and have evidenced change in a reasonable timescale

• Work constructively with involved professionals

• Make use of available resources

• Give the child emotional permission to be content in alternative care

  (Zeanah 2009)

Changing behavioural patterns of abuse is an ongoing and lengthy process and one which abusers rarely voluntarily enter into. If an abuser does enter a process to try and change their behaviour, there is a good chance they will ‘quit’ before the process completes. To ensure the child’s safety, an abuser must complete a therapeutic process and demonstrate a changed pattern of behaviour. You cannot put a time frame on the therapeutic process. Judges must accept that many abusers cannot change their behaviour and therefore, will always be a risk to the child.

 

THE CHILD HAS TRAUMA

When a child is fearful or anxious about contact with a parent, they are afraid regardless of the happy times they have experienced with that parent.  Many abusers give ‘conditional’ love to their children. A narcissistic abuser’s ‘love’ is conditional on receiving the child’s adoration, attention and loyalty. Controlling abusers like the child to demonstrate their dislike for the safe parent. It makes the abuser feel powerful; the abuse of their victim continues through the child. Only a credible expert in domestic abuse can determine which parent is doing this.

Children are often required to ‘open up’ and give evidence during the litigation process. The child’s views are extremely important. The child is expected to trust the professionals and tell them their thoughts and fears. The inner turmoil this causes the child is palpable when one parent is abusive. Children are smart and are terrified of the repercussions of speaking out, with good reason.  Judges can then betray that trust by forcing the child back into contact with the dangerous abuser.

Judges and professionals involved need to understand that an abuser can intimidate the child into behaving and speaking in a certain manner in their presence. Forcing a child into unsupervised contact with an abuser, is certainly not in the child’s best interests, it is cruel. The focus must move from the ‘positive contact’ the abuser has had with the child, to the psychological state of the abuser, their relationship with the child and their ability to parent that child.

 

YOU ARE BEING DUPED!

If you have evidence before you of egregious domestic abuse but the abuser appears to be a charming, charismatic individual, and an admirable parent – you are being duped! Abusers are often ‘likeable’ human beings. They can appear to be kind, caring and loving individuals. They can ‘behave’ for the sake of court proceedings and can even ‘behave’ for the sake of the individuals who run perpetrator courses.

Coercively controlling and narcissistic abusers are highly skilled at masking their behaviour and can even fool psychologists from time to time. Some clinicians will refuse to work with a highly narcissistic individual since they fear the repercussions, personally or professionally, of giving evidence against them. Individuals who coercively control their partners post-separation and individuals with narcissistic behavioural traits are prevalent in our society. Referrals to perpetrator courses are increasing at a dramatic rate. Domestic abuse and femicide are serious problems, globally, therefore domestic abuse cases require appropriate approaches and interventions, not victim-blaming, draconian ones.

If the evidence shows a charming, likeable individual has dangerous behaviour, then know that this individual is still a danger to the victim and a danger to the child, despite how they appear and despite how the victim appears.  Ask yourself; ‘Do ‘claims’ match ‘actions’; do the accusations of the parent match the evidence?

If a child is resisting contact with a parent, and that parent blames their accuser for the child’s waning affections, then this is quite possibly being done intentionally, to mislead and distract you from the truth. Listen to the child and thoroughly investigate with credible experts who understand power and control.

 

VICTIMS MENTALITY

When a victim of domestic abuse leaves the relationship, they often leave a highly dangerous and traumatising environment. The victim may be on high alert; conditioned into ‘fight or flight’ mode. The victim loses their sense of self and will have developed low self-esteem. The victim may have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

The victim may ‘appear’ to be as follows;

• Angry

• Defensive

• Frustrated

• Accusatory

• Antagonistic

• Alienating

• Weak

• Emotionally unstable

• Bitter

 

The reality is, the victim is terrified. The victim is approaching the court from a place of FEAR, ANGER and FRUSTRATION;

 The victim feels FEAR of what the abuser will do to their children if granted unsupervised contact, fear of the continued abuse outside of the courtroom, and possibly even fear of the intimidating solicitors and experts the abuser has appointed.

The victim feels ANGER that the abuser has jeopardised the safety of their children, anger that the abuser can continue the torment covertly without being held to account and anger at the lack of protection and subsequent feelings of vulnerability inflicted upon them by the court. A domestic abuse victim can have the deep maternal rage of a mother bear protecting her cubs.

The victim feels FRUSTRATION that the evidence of abusive behaviour is ‘diminished, overlooked or ignored’ by experts and the judge. They feel frustration that evidence is deemed historical when the pattern of behaviour is vital, and they feel frustration that their abuse gets invalidated; they feel abused all over again by the court.

The victim’s protective instincts are in overdrive and will be until they are satisfied their children are safe from harm. The victim is going to focus on how the abuser’s behaviour affected them in the litigation process because they are terrified of their abuser. This is at the forefront of the victim’s mind - they assume that you understand if the victim of domestic abuse is at risk then so is the child!

Judges and professionals must also realise the victim may have spoken to the child about the abuse in an age-appropriate manner and given the child tools to protect themselves from the same controlling behaviour. This is not parental alienation; this is a parent’s natural protective instinct. The abuse and its effects cannot be ignored and cannot be hidden from an older child. Today, domestic abuse and mental health are discussed openly in society. The days of brushing domestic abuse under the carpet and shielding the abuser are over.

 

ABUSERS MENTALITY

The abuser has held power and control in the home and they are now going to attempt to wield that power and control back through the Family Court system. The abuser will use deception and manipulation to do this. The child is a pawn in the abuser’s game; the abuser does not have the child’s best interests at heart.

The abuser is thinking;

‘I am going to gain the judge's sympathy and the sympathy of all the professionals involved. I am going to convince everyone that I am a loving, caring parent. I am going to destroy the victim; I am going to convince the court the victim is unfit, alienating, emotionally unstable or abusive. I am going to win, and I will say and do whatever it takes to win’.

 

THE QUESTION TO ASK YOURSELF

If the evidence before you shows that the abuser has;

• Threatened the victim with knives, hammers, guns, or other threatening items

• Choked the victim

• Beaten up the victim

• Coercively controlled the victim

• Kept the victim prisoner in their own home

• Lifted the victim off the floor by their hair or dragged them by their hair

• Raped the victim

• Tormented the victim

• Degraded the victim

• Poured boiling water over the victim

or, if the abuser has carried out any other controlling and horrific acts towards the victim, then ask yourself these questions;

If I had never seen the abusive individual standing before me, only heard the evidence of abuse, would I allow this individual to have unsupervised contact with MY children, grandchildren, nieces or nephews? Would I take that risk?

If I asked the general public if they thought an individual who had carried out these acts should ever be allowed unsupervised contact with children, without evidence of a change in behaviour, what would they say?

The answer to these questions, in an apparently intractable contact dispute, should guide those involved morally. The answer to these questions should guide the judge to determine which evidence to cast aside and which evidence to place weight on. The answer to these questions will ensure a fair and just decision is made and most importantly, one which is in the best interests of the child.