The family court can be a brutal environment for a mother who claims that her ex's abusive behaviour is causing her child to resist contact. There is a bias in the system, and mothers are often approached with scepticism. Here are some critical points to consider if you have no option but to fight for the safety of your child, and you want to beat the bias.

The judge’s mindset

It's essential to align your plan and your case with the judge's mindset and the law. A mother naturally plans to tell the judge everything the abuser has done in the hope that the abuser will be tamed or punished. She seeks the necessary protection for her child and often hopes the judge will address the abusive behaviour. A mother immediately walks into the trap when entering with this approach. She is deemed a vengeful, bitter ex who is trying to prevent or stop contact, not a protective mother seeking safety for the child.

The ideology in the family courts is very different to that in society. A culture has developed over the years where women and children are disbelieved or presumed to be over-reacting or hysterical; this attitude is deep-rooted. As a result, claims of abuse are often diminished and concealed so that contact can continue as normal. Women are expected to ‘get on with it’ and co-parent, however ridiculous that sounds in this day and age. This puts near unattainable expectations on mothers and children.

 Judges expect mothers to speak sympathetically towards their ex and encourage contact between the child and the abusive parent (regardless of atrocities committed). There is a ‘presumption of contact’, in law. Understanding the judge's mindset changes the entire approach to the case. The way you present yourself and your evidence all must aim to meet these challenging expectations.

Focus on the child

The judge's priority is the best interests of the child. There is an unfair burden on mothers to prove controlling behaviour, and this is not an easy thing to do. When you shift the focus away from your relationship with your ex, to how your ex’s behaviour affects the child, you will find that it naturally prompts you to show your caring nature to the judge and helps to show how unsupervised contact might not be healthy, beneficial, or safe.

For example, if you write in your statement;

'My ex punched the wall; it terrified me,' or 'My ex is very controlling and difficult'

These statements do not show the judge your concern for the child or the child's predicament. By tweaking them to focus on the child, you can align your approach to that of the judge's mindset and the law, as follows;

'My ex punched the wall; my daughter was terrified; she was trembling and later, scared to be alone in the room with my ex.'

‘My teenage son wants to be part of the decision regarding contact; at this age, he needs his opinion to be heard and taken into consideration. He feels controlled by my ex’.

Small changes in your approach show the judge more clearly where the problem lies. Judges and welfare reporters often don't understand coercive control and domestic abuse and consider abuse to no longer be an issue once you have separated. They often determine abuse to be historical and therefore, not relevant. Dr Emma Katz articles show the effects of abusive behaviour on a child's development and may assist you.

Keep in mind that a judge prefers a qualified professional to determine if a parent is physically or psychologically unsafe for a child, not the other parent.

Welfare reporters

 Some welfare reporters can get charmed by the abuser and can approach the victim with the same scepticism the judge does. If you think the judge might order an assessment of you or the child (for example a therapist or a psychologist), then consider researching assessors that you would find appropriate in the circumstances and be prepared to suggest them in court. Some court reporters can appear to be friendly but can be underqualified for the task at hand, and write a scathing report which misrepresents you. They can also attempt to influence the child's responses; they can assume that you have coached the child. Getting a credible expert who understands coercive control and abuse is essential. Consider making a written record of any questionable elements of the interview, should you need to dispute the report in court.

Charm, deception & projection

Judges and welfare reporters often don't have a good understanding of how victims and perpetrators present. The narcissistic abuser is a master at presenting as a victim who desperately seeks a relationship with their child and will convincingly portray you, the safe parent, to prevent that relationship. They are highly skilled at projecting their behaviour. A narcissist will accuse you of being abusive, alienating or behaving pathologically, and by subtly provoking you they can make you 'appear' to be everything they accuse you of (when you are merely presenting as any victim of abuse would).  Do not underestimate them and try not to let their charm, deception and projection unsettle you. Focus on your case, behaviour alone, and presenting yourself in your best light with good quality evidence. Rather than react to their provocation, try to pause, breathe and then respond strategically, keeping in mind what the judge wants to see from you; kindness, reason and positive solutions for all involved.

Evidence

Relevant, high-quality evidence is vital when trying to beat the bias in the family court. The judge won't order changes to contact arrangements because you 'think' the abuser might do something or because the child has disclosed information. You must prove the child is at risk of harm but do so in a sympathetic manner to your ex-partner. Judges prefer evidence from teachers, medical professionals, and academic research rather than random articles from the internet.

Be careful about submitting a photo or video of the child distressed or injured and claiming that the abuser caused it. The abuser will turn it back on you and claim that you caused it. Aim to present a list of negative experiences the child has had with the abusive parent and the effects of each of those experiences on the child's health, education, or wellbeing. Also, the effects on the parenting of the child. Research the child's parenting needs according to their development age.

Keep your ex updated on your child during your parenting time and ensure you have a good paper trail. It's essential to understand the meaning of Parental Rights & Responsibilities and Unilateral Decisions. Judges come down harshly on a mother who breaches a contact order unless you can prove, with evidence, that your actions were reasonable and necessary in the circumstances.

False allegations

An abuser will often make false claims with absolutely nothing to back it up. With good evidence, you can prove where their 'claims' differ from their ‘actions'. The abuser will often claim you prevent contact with the child or claim you abused the child when, in fact, they are the ones guilty of this. Ensure you behave as the judge expects of you, and the abuser's behaviour will be more apparent to the judge. Abusers can get away with being deceitful in court for so long, but often the lies can catch up with them, and you will be ready and waiting when they do.

Stress & fear

Mothers with an abusive ex will put their life on hold. You won’t allow yourself to be happy again until the torment is over, and your child is safe from harm, it’s only natural. However, you can be living under immense pressure, stress, and often fear, for many years, and this is extremely harmful to your health and your court case. Stress is the root cause of many illnesses; your body will become drained entirely over time. Therefore, it is essential to learn how to manage and resolve survivor emotions to maintain clarity, decision-making skills and composure in future high-stress situations. Once you do this, everything else will start to fall into place, and the judge will see clearly which parent’s behaviour is harmful to the child.