A victim of a coercively controlling, narcissistic ex has an uphill battle when entering the family court. The narcissist has an arsenal of powerful weapons. They can render their victim and their child into a hopeless and traumatising situation.

1.       Ability to manipulate, convince and deceive

The narcissistic abuser will manipulate everyone in court proceedings and convince them that they are the victim and the real victim is an abusive, unwell, or unfit parent. The narcissist will shamelessly lie, fabricate evidence and use charm to get everyone on their side. They will continue to abuse their victim behind the scenes. By the time the victim (the safe parent) ends up in court, they are naturally frustrated and harassed, and desperate to 'tell-all' to the judge; everything the judge does not want to hear. The safe parent falls right into the narcissistic abuser's trap.

 The abuser will psychologically manipulate the child too; they will use shame, fear and guilt to control the child's words and actions. The child may say to a court reporter or the judge in a short interview that they have had happy times with the abusive parent when deep inside, they are terrified of them and anxious in their presence. The narcissist powerfully plays everyone involved like pawns.

2.       Parental alienation counterclaim

Parental alienation is the narcissistic abuser's go-to defence in court and the courts silver bullet; an easy solution to a complicated problem. The safe parent raises claims of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse when the child resists contact, and the abusive parent says,

"It wasn't me, My Lord, it was them – they are turning my child against me – its parental alienation".

When the safe parent gets labelled a parental alienator, the abuser’s victim status gets reinforced. The narcissistic abuser provokes and controls the safe parent’s emotional reactions to provide more evidence to the court; their victim’s worry and instinctually protective behaviour get mistaken for alienating behaviour. The real abuse then gets disbelieved, diminished, or omitted, and the narcissist can put the parental alienation weapon back in their holster and move to the next.

3.       The court’s support

After the parental alienation card has been played, the narcissistic abuser gets a hall pass from the court to do as they please; it becomes clear to the safe parent that raising claims of abusive behaviour in court will not be tolerated. Their own legal team advise them against it. The victim finds themselves in terrifying catch 22’s. The abuser can disrupt the contact arrangements, repeatedly take their victim back to court for petty things, not pay a penny in court ordered awards, ask the judge to make unfounded orders, and, in a bitter twist, proceed to alienate the child from the safe parent.

The safe parent risks harsh consequences (such as the loss of parenting time, or custody) if they dare mention any of it. If they do mention disruptive behaviour, they walk a tightrope as they try to awaken the judge and court reporters to the truth without being seen to be the obstructive parent. In extreme cases, with a parent with a cluster B personality disorder, the safe parent can find themselves in a highly dangerous situation; they know their abuser is at six or seven on the eight steps to homicide scale, and are effectively silenced by the family court and left helpless. If the victim tries to get protection from the police they can be told to raise the matter with the family court judge. The child gets left in a precarious situation.

Courts must recognise these weapons and stop taking the easy route out. With valuable information from credible clinical psychologists (using the Power Threat Meaning Framework or similar), courts can make better decisions; judges can make orders which will bring an end to the child’s suffering, heal their trauma, and prevent the child from becoming an abuser themselves.