Family Court: The 5 Mistakes That Will Come Back to Haunt the Narcissistic Parent
There are several mistakes the narcissistic parent is certain to make during their counter-parenting journey. These mistakes will undoubtedly come back to haunt them, possibly years down the line. Narcissists are so self-absorbed they fail to stop and consider that children eventually grow up and see the damaging behaviour with their own eyes.
THE NARCISSISTIC PARENT PREVENTS, OBSTRUCTS AND FRUSTRATES CONTACT WITH THE HEALTHY PARENT
The narcissist will use any given opportunity to extract an emotional reaction from you, the healthy parent. The narcissist knows the child is your Achilles heel and will happily use the child as a pawn to bait and torment you.
When the narcissistic parent prevents contact, doesn't allow the child to message you during their parenting time, or stands in the background of Facetime or Skype calls, it causes trauma to their child. The child feels upset, confused and angry when their wishes do not get taken into consideration. The child seeks the safety of the healthy parent.
The child doesn’t feel emotionally content with the narcissist; the narcissistic parent causes the child anxiety, fear and low self-esteem. The child wants to get back to the parent in which they can be themselves, and doesn't like the environment where they feel controlled. The narcissist doesn't realise they are setting themselves up for a colossal fall by using these tactics.
THE NARCISSISTIC PARENT BADMOUTHS THE HEALTHY PARENT
During the narcissist's rampage to hurt and control you, they will desperately try to obtain the child's full attention and will try to manipulate the child's feelings and emotions to align with their views. The narcissistic parent will badmouth you, knowing that the child is likely to reveal to you what was said. The narcissist may ridicule your past relationships or any new relationship you develop. They may insult you by claiming you were promiscuous or say that you accused other partners in the past of the same things of which you accuse the narcissist. They might claim you drink too much, or you abandoned or neglected the child. They will accuse you of the behaviour they do in their quest to be the 'most loved' parent.
Children do not like hearing their separated parents talking badly of one another; it makes them feel uncomfortable. They don't want to get forced to take sides; they want emotional freedom to love both parents. The narcissist's behaviour undermines the relationship with the healthy parent.
THE NARCISSISTIC PARENT ATTEMPTS TO GAIN SYMPATHY FROM THE CHILD
A narcissist might say to the child;
Mummy/Daddy is taking me to court again; they just want money from me; all I want is to see you. I love you; I don't know why they want to fight with me.'
They do this when they are the ones taking you to court.
They might say to the child;
'Your mum/dad left me, I loved them, and they ran off with someone else, I wanted to kill myself when they left. They just took you, I wanted you in my life so badly, and they won't let me see you.'
They do this when, in fact, they were so abusive you had no choice but to leave for you and your child's safety.
The narcissist has no problem blatantly lying to the child to make you look bad. The narcissist craves both the child's sympathy and the court's sympathy and will have no qualms in instilling guilt and fear in the child to get it.
THE NARCISSISTIC PARENT FOCUSES ON THEIR BIOLOGICAL CHILD ALONE
If you have children from another relationship, the narcissist will not take those children into account when seeking more parenting time through family court. The narcissist hates that their child has siblings who will take some of the child's attention. The narcissist will covertly try to turn their child against their siblings, or they will slip up when angry and say things like;
'I wish your brothers/sisters were dead', which confuses and scares the child.
Judges do consider siblings and don't like to separate children. It harms the child's relationship with those siblings. It impacts the child's development. If the narcissist suggests separating the child from their siblings, then this would be a clear sign the narcissist is self-focussed and neglecting the child's needs. Which takes me to my final mistake the narcissist makes.
THE NARCISSISTIC PARENT PUTS THEIR NEEDS BEFORE THE CHILD'S NEEDS
A narcissist will put on a good show for court and shout how they have 'the best interests of the child' in mind, but when you look closely, the evidence will say otherwise. Narcissists are incapable of putting anyone's needs before their own, and can often put the child at risk of harm.
A narcissist, when on holiday with the child, might take them to the scariest rollercoaster or the highest slide and want to impress their Facebook followers with a photo of them and their child completing the challenge. The child might be scared, but the narcissist would manipulate them until the child complied or get disproportionately angry at them if they refuse. The narcissist might ride extremely fast on a jet ski, with the child on the back. The child may be terrified and want to stop. The narcissist would never consider the child's feelings or wishes and would continue, in their pursuit for power and an adrenaline rush, to the expense of the child's emotional wellbeing.
WHAT CAN YOU, THE VICTIM, DO?
Victims can explain (with evidence) any negative experiences the child has had with the narcissist and put it into their written evidence in their Family Court proceedings (statement/affidavit/minute). They can explain the effects of these experiences on the child, according to their development stage. This is preferable to explaining their own negative experiences with the narcissist.
Keep in mind that the judge's focus is the welfare of the child and they often put a lot of importance on contact, even when a parent has behaved badly. Judges don’t like a parent badmouthing or ‘telling on’ the other parent and are more open to persuasion when the other parent is spoken of in a sympathetic manner and positive, child-focused solutions are offered.
As the child gets older, they will compare your behaviour to the narcissist's behaviour and make their own choices in life about with which parent they want to live and spend more time. Don't compete with the narcissist for the child's love by trying to micromanage the child's relationship with the narcissistic parent. Fight to protect your child’s mental health by meeting the child's needs;
Be fully present when in their company
Listen to and validate their feelings and emotions
Allow them to love the other parent and make their own choice
Support their individuality and natural development
Consider their wishes when making decisions which affect them
Show them unconditional love
These are the things the narcissist's self-adoration renders them incapable of providing to the child. These are the parenting methods which will counter the narcissistic parent's damaging behaviour. These are the techniques which will guide you towards success in the Family Court.