One of the hardest things to do when you are feeling worried and stressed is to write a statement for the family court, which is 'judge friendly’. Judges and welfare reporters have unreasonably high expectations of mothers as parents and don’t understand how a victim of abuse presents. Your statement is your one chance to show the judge your true character, not the character the abuser is portraying you to be.

Before reading this, you may have thought the way you communicate is reasonable and polite in anything which may appear before the judge. What we believe and what the judge sees are often two very different things. Pitfalls are awaiting you, and I want to help you avoid them at all costs.

An unaware victim's statement

Our son no longer wants to go for contact every second week. My ex is highly narcissistic and has displayed anger towards our child. He fears my ex at times. My son told me my ex is abusive towards him. My ex locked him in a bedroom as a punishment; he can be cruel.

My ex has breached an order. Our child was supposed to be returned on the 27th December so that our son was home for New Year, but my ex kept him for one week longer.

My ex lied in his statement and accused me of untrue things. The lies have caused me much embarrassment over the years.

My ex won't communicate reasonably; they are antagonistic and always provoking me. Every time my son goes on Skype, my ex torments me in the background and tries to draw me into the conversation. The skype calls are becoming unbearable. 

I have not received a penny in child maintenance; it's challenging to manage at times.

I would like contact to be reduced to every other weekend, skype calls to be stopped and my ex to be ordered to stop breaching orders and spreading lies about me.

Presumption of contact

There is a 'presumption of contact'; it is deemed that contact with both parents is beneficial unless you can prove it is not, and this is challenging. Parents are expected to communicate in a friendly manner with each other. Therefore, the moment you speak negatively of your ex and appear to want to reduce contact, without focussing on how your ex's behaviour affects your child, it raises a red flag to the judge. The judge sees a bitter, vengeful ex whose priorities lie with the difficulties of their relationship with the ex, and not the child's relationship with the ex.

A 'judge friendly' statement

Court case number

Your name

State if you are applicant/pursuer or respondent/defender

State if you are mother/father

Hearing date/Judge if known

STATEMENT

1. Our son no longer wants to go for contact every second week. There are several occasions in which our son has been anxious, upset, uncomfortable and scared. I have tried to discuss and settle the matter with my ex out of court, but regrettably, we do not agree.

2. On 10th September, my ex went into a rage in front of my son and frightened him. He punished my son by locking him in a bedroom. My son was distressed and felt unsafe. I am concerned that my ex is not modelling healthy and safe behaviour to our child. My ex doesn’t reflect on their behaviour and acts unreasonably and disproportionately at times.

3. My ex won't allow our son to phone me during their contact. Our son doesn't like this, he feels like he is being controlled, and his relationship with my ex lacks boundaries. Our son is not given emotional permission from my ex to show affection towards me or his siblings. I allow our son to phone or Skype my ex whenever he wants; I encourage him to have a relationship with my ex. Our son wants to keep in touch with his siblings; it's only natural; he misses them while he is away. I am concerned my ex is not taking our child's age and healthy development into consideration when parenting.

4. At Christmas, our son was due to return on 27th December, but he did not return till 3rd January. Our son was looking forward to our New Year trip we had planned and was excited about spending this downtime with his siblings. Our son was disappointed that he was unable to join us on the trip. Our son felt his thoughts and feelings were not getting considered. At his age, he likes to have some influence in decisions about his life. I am concerned about future breaches and the effects they will have on our child's emotional wellbeing.

5. My ex has recently sent inappropriate emails to our son's school. Our child heard something overly concerning about me, which was also untrue. This created an uncomfortable situation for our son since some of the teachers have children in the same year. The situation made our son embarrassed in front of his peers. Children do not like to see or hear of one parent badmouthing the other; it's upsetting and confusing for them and makes them feel uncomfortable. I am concerned that if our child has issues at school, it will harm his education.

6. My ex has claimed that I refuse to speak with him at times, particularly during Skype calls with our child. I feel this misrepresents our situation. I provide my ex with regular updates on our son's health, education and wellbeing, and I am reasonable and considerate in my approach to our co-parenting relationship. During Skype calls and phone calls, I prefer to give my son and my ex privacy. I also have other children to care for during Skype calls. I prefer to communicate by email only with my ex since it keeps matters calm, and amicable and avoids heated discussions which would make our son feel awkward.

7. Our child has requested that contact get reduced to every other weekend. These are our child's views, and I ask you to please consider his request.

The judge may order a reporter to seek the child's views and to satisfy themselves that the child has not been coached. Judges, generally are very hesitant to reduce contact between a child and a non-resident parent and can blame you for the resistance to contact. They may seek to repair the relationship between the child and the abusive parent. Thoroughly research welfare reporters such as Clinical Child Psychologists carefully and be ready to suggest several credible experts. I urge you to seek further advice on this point from Domestic Abuse experts/charities - the choice of the reporter is crucial.

Note that generally, Judges don't like to hear about child maintenance in contact hearings because child maintenance is not an issue dealt with by the family court – if the focus turns to money it may contribute towards you appearing to be bitter so keep in mind.

Have good evidence to back up each point you are making. Foresee future problems. Use emails to create your own sympathetic, encouraging paper trail so that if you are ever falsely accused in the future of alienating your child from the abuser, you can dispute it with confidence.

Asking a court to reduce parenting time is not something to be entered into lightly, the family courts can be sceptical of women raising allegations of abuse. If you feel like you have no alternative, as I know sometimes you don’t, then the approach is the key to a successful outcome. Keep in mind the judge always wants to see a parent being kind, reasonable, and child-focussed. They also like being presented with positive solutions for all involved.

*This gives you an idea of the tone of your statement and you would, of course, tailor it to your circumstances. Please seek a lawyers advice before claiming abuse in the family court.