Why is your coercively controlling ex so successful in overpowering you in the family courts? They are in control of the communications. Abusers take an exploitative approach to relationships, and communications about your child’s school, health or contact arrangements present them with an opportunity to continue the post-separation abuse. When your ex remains in control, it keeps you, the empath parent, vulnerable and in a state of confusion and fear.

Consider this example.

The contact order states that the child spends each alternate birthday with you. You asked for this specifically; you know joint events with a controlling ex are impossible, particularly when your ex is trying to annihilate every aspect of your life; your finances, reputation, career, and relationships. Alternative years means you can make a special day for your child, without any drama, humiliation or danger. You are putting the child’s needs first and you are protecting yourself from harm.

Your ex feels entitled to contact regardless of what the court order says, they feel protected by the family courts. They will now use the occasion to exert control and cause you frustration, anxiety, and fear; seeing these emotions from you makes them feel superior and powerful. Your ex knows your deepest fears and uses them to hurt you. Your ex sends you a WhatsApp message and requests contact on your contact day; they say they will drop by at your daughter’s birthday party. You panic, you know this means drama ahead. You know they will ruin your daughter’s special day and cause distress. You furiously type back,

“Don’t you dare show up at the birthday party. I will call the police. Don’t contact me again until the next contact date; stick to the contact order.”

Your manipulative ex responds cunningly,

“There is no need to be so angry all the time; I just wanted to see our daughter for an hour on her birthday, it’s not too much to ask, I want to give her the present. She told me on the phone last night she wanted me to come. Think about what you are doing to her; she is going to be so upset.”

You look back on the messages as the next court date looms. You are terrified. His court documents say you refuse to communicate with him and you are trying to alienate your daughter from him, and the evidence fits into this false narrative.  With no understanding of coercive control, the judge looks at the messages, glares at you, and decides in the abuser’s favour. You are left deflated, confused, angry and scared for the future.

Abusers exploit your natural response to coercive control and get evidence to show the world that you are hostile, vengeful, aggressive, unwell, unfit, unreasonable, or obstructive; that you are a coercively controlling, psychological abuser. It creates confusion for onlookers and helps to keep the abusers façade in place. They present themselves as admirable parents, who are hard done by, unjustifiably rejected, suffering and deserve sympathy; they present themselves as victims. There are unethical and underqualified family court parental alienation ‘experts’ and lawyers who encourage perpetrators to use their expensive services. They also exploit the victim’s emotions and help the coercively controlling parent gain more contact and custody.

So how do you overcome this hurdle and co-parent with someone who uses communications to continue to manipulate, control and harm you, thus harming the child?

You learn how your ex’s mind works and how the court system works and use every communication from that day forward to your advantage. You take control of the communications.

In the scenario described you could consider responding calmly and confidently,

“I understand your wishes for contact today, but we have made alternate birthday years in the contact order for a reason. This is so that we can spend quality time with our daughter and our own families and keep the day a special one for her. I understand you want to speak to her; I will make sure she video calls you tonight so you can send her your birthday wishes and hear about her day. I will speak to you soon with my regular update and to make the next contact arrangements.”

Once you have sent this, there is no need to respond further to your ex’s messages. Save any further explanation for the courtroom. Consider communicating by email only with your ex to give yourself breathing space. You can now prove to the judge that you are a reasonable, calm, child-focused parent.

The family courts should not force the vulnerable into this traumatic situation, and hopefully, this will change as the world awakens to post-separation, coercively controlling behaviour. Recognizing how your ex exploits the communications is a game-changer. You start to see each communication as an opportunity to show the court your true character, not the character your ex portrays. It helps you create a pattern of evidence that shows you do not alienate your child from your ex, a claim that often arises at some point during your court case, particularly when the child starts to resist or refuse contact.

Your anxiety, stress levels and fear will reduce, you will gain clarity and confidence and this helps you to take control of your circumstances, and leads you towards a successful family court outcome.