The Dilemma

Your child turns twelve; they don't want to go to the abusive parent's house for half of the summer holidays; they start to resist contact. You face a dilemma; you are court-ordered to send them. You know if you complain to the judge they will think you are bitter and trying to prevent contact. You know if you don't send the child for the required amount of time you will be back in court in a heartbeat; the abusive parent claiming you breached the court order and that you are alienating the child.

So, what can you do? This challenging situation is inevitable when facing the family court with an abusive parent. However, since you can predict it, you can also prepare for it.

Parenting Capacity

As parents, we must be aware of the social, physical, cognitive and emotional changes our children are going through to parent appropriately. We must have the parenting capacity to meet the child's health and development needs, be able to put the child's needs first and be able to acknowledge problems and make efforts to resolve them. This is where the abusive parent messes up. They often focus on their needs alone. They often fail to self-reflect and make changes to their behaviour. They don't adapt to the changing needs of the child as they grow older. They will not co-parent effectively and resolve issues amicably. These are the things you aim to show the judge, through your paper trail, when your child starts to resist contact.

Family Court

If you have good evidence, you will not get worried or stressed when your ex takes you back to court. You won't feel the need to respond to their ridiculous emails where they provoke you with subtle threats. You will feel empowered, and the judge will see more clearly where the problem lies.

Do not rush to raise this matter in court; avoiding family court action where possible is always best, but I know that is not always possible. Your child may have told you their complaints in confidence, but they may not be ready to follow through, for fear of repercussions. This is where it becomes torture for the healthy, safe parent, but you must respect your child's wishes. Your child will get bolder and braver as they get older and one day, they might say;

"Tell them I don't want to come, I’m serious, I’m not going for three weeks." They might even refuse to go for contact altogether.

Wait till this day and don't breach their trust; make sure the child understands the consequences of following through with their request in court. The judge may appoint an expert to confirm it is the child's wishes to reduce the contact, or they may even speak to the child to satisfy themselves that the child has not been coached. You must be confident your child is ready, for it can be the catalyst for a number of court hearings and appointments with welfare reporters. It will affect you and your child's life profoundly; financially and emotionally.

Creating Evidence

Here is an example of the type of email you could send to your ex, to create a good paper trail, and you can adapt it to your child's negative experiences.

"I wish to discuss the summer holiday contact with you. Dillan would prefer to only come for one week this year. There have been several incidents which have upset and worried him, and he appears to be developing some anxiety about coming for contact. I hope we can resolve this matter since he has not been himself lately and it is worrying.

It upsets him that for the last six months you haven't allowed him to call his siblings or me during his contact time with you. It is Dillan's wishes to keep in touch with us. He feels you don't consider his wishes when you restrict his communication.

When you locked him inside the bedroom last month as a punishment, it scared him; he is not used to that type of harsh discipline.

He has asked you several times not to drive so fast when he is in the car with you; it scares him. When you got out the car two weeks ago and shouted angrily at a man at the traffic lights it worried him, he was frightened at that moment; he also felt embarrassed when passers-by looked in the window and saw him sitting alone.

I believe the way he felt during these incidents contribute to the way he is feeling about the upcoming summer holidays. If you could consider your approach in certain situations and realise how it feels from Dillan's point of view, then I think he would be much happier about coming for contact in the future. He needs to feel like his thoughts and opinions matter and that you take them into account, and he needs to feel safe. We really must try to be on the same page when it comes to parenting techniques. Dillan is watching everything we do and learning from us; we must model healthy behaviour to him, and we must support his emotional development and his growing independence.

I hope you will think about the above so we can resolve the matter before the summer.”

Your ex will continue to blame you. Don’t bite. It is unlikely they have offered any reasonable solution to fix the problem so there is no need to respond to any antagonistic replies. Your mission is complete. You have followed your child's wishes, and you are confident that your ex has nothing they can 'pin' on you evidence wise. You have kept out of your child's relationship with your ex and you have only stepped in at your child’s request. You will face court more calmly and confidently. You will be in a position to argue that your ex is not parenting your child in a healthy and safe manner and lacks the ability to resolve issues that arise. It’s important to understand that family courts put contact first and will generally strive to repair relationships between children and a parent they resist rather than allow them to break free from that relationship on request. Your calm, reasonable and sympathetic approach to manners is important, along with the testimony of a credible, expert witness who understands coercive control and abuse.

*Please speak with a domestic abuse solicitor before raising action in the court with an abusive ex.